This is a difficult feeling to articulate. Its easier to explain my emotions when I was fat. I don’t remember the point when I went from healthy to overweight or from overweight to obese. It just sort of happened. Scientifically I didn’t wake up fat one day, but that is how it felt. Emotionally though it was horrible. The moment I accepted it, and accepted is the right word here, because I had realised it many years earlier but remained in denial. The moment I accepted it, I shrunk. I felt smaller somehow yet larger than I had ever been. I suddenly became depressed and isolated. I stopped going out and became obsessed with wanting to be slim. I would find myself dreaming about being slim. Saying phrases such as:
When I’m slim, I’ll go to such and such a place or I’ll do that when I’m slim, then I would say things like:
If only there was a magic pill, I wish I could eat what I want and stay slim.
I just wanted to go to a hideaway and emerge slim and beautiful. On reflection, I wanted quick results without the effort. This became a vicious cycle of being desperate and not caring at all (in the moment I’m filling my mouth with chocolate)
This continued for years. I tried many many diets during this time only to put it all back on again once I started eating “normally” again. That “normal” was what got me fat in the first place. I had to change my relationship with food. This was the only thing that was going to stop me putting that weight back on.
Cue – LighterLife!
LighterLife not only helped me lose weight quickly but got me to challenge those behaviours. Now I’m at my goal weight, now that I’m slim I have to really think about how I feel about it. Honesty, it depends on the time of day. I wake up feeling slim but I go to bed feeling fat.
Am I happier? Yes, I think so. I love the external praise I get from people when they tell me how amazing I look. I love fitting into my clothes and being able to go into any shop and know that a size 8 or 10 will fit me. BUT I now feel a lot of pressure. Pressure to maintain that weight loss. I’ve come to realise that my body weight, in isolation, doesn’t make me happy. Don’t get me wrong it can have a powerful effect on my mood but I now understand that happiness runs much deeper. Its so much more complex.